Ten Things Twilight
Teaches Teenage Boys about Teenage Girls
Twilight is poised to make a gazillion
dollars this weekend, despite the fact that it contains mediocre acting and
special effects that look like they were cutting edge back in 1977. That’s
really a testament to the fans of the book series, which is dominating the
teenage market. Just like Sex in the City surprised studio execs by bringing in
hordes of middle-aged women and making that a hit, the teens will do the same
for this moody vampire flick.
A lot of those teens are going to be
of the male variety, hoping to get some insight into the mysterious creature
that is a teenage girl. Kenneth Turan of the Los Angeles Times says,” I am not
now nor have I ever been a 13-year-old girl, but “Twilight” made me wish I
could be.” Which if you’ve ever met Kenneth Turan is slightly disturbing, but I
get his point. The movie does a great job of putting you in Bella Swan’s shoes,
and letting you know what makes her tick. With that in mind, check out our list
of 10 things that teenage boys can find out about teenage girls when they see
this movie.
Girls like Boys Who Ignore Them
When Edward first sees Bella in
class, he stiffens up like he’s smelled a dead skunk and avoids her like the
plague. Days go by and he doesn’t return to class, but she searches for him
every day. Finally, when he does come back, he alternates between being nice to
her, and telling her she shouldn’t be friends with him. It ends up driving
Bella nuts, which is maybe what he wanted all along. Next time you see a girl
you’re interested in, make sure she catches your eye, and then act like she
repulses you and you should be well on your way.
Girls like Boys Who Are Mysterious
It’s important to maintain an air of
mystery about you, and not come in all blundering like cheerful dork Mike
Newton in the movie. The guy is an open book, and as a result Bella is bored by
him. The only thing that catches her fancy at the new school is the bunch of
aloof, slightly Goth students who mosey in with tons of hair product looking
like they wandered off the campus of a private school. Don’t let people know
about your past, sulk around, and randomly break off during conversations and
walk away. You’ll be a man of mystery.
Girls like Boys with Hair Product
Have you even seen Edward’s hair in
Twilight? Seriously, it’s ridiculous. He looks like the lovechild of James Dean
and Elvis, and he has to spend at least an hour getting the ‘do ready for
school every day, although we never get to see how he preps it. Do vampires
also get the gift of extremely well-coiffed hair? And he’s not the only one,
his vampy brethren all have hair that looks like it came out of one of those
books you see in the waiting areas of hair salons. The sort of hair catalogues
you’re meant to pick your next look out of. Robert Pattinson fans call it “sex
hair”, which either means its sexy hair, or it’s what your hair looks like
after sex. Either way, pick up some product and start working on your locks.
Girls Stammer Around Boys They’re
Interested In
If you’re looking for one of the
signs that she’s really into you, this is a good one. If she can barely get
through a sentence when she’s talking to you, then she wants you. Either that
or she might be grammatically challenged, but let’s keep hope alive and assume
that she’s just nervous. When Edward finally starts talking to Bella she sounds
like Woody Allen, and you’ll need to look for those same tongue-tied signs.
Besides staring at you constantly, the tangled tongue is about the only other
visual cue you’ll get that she’s into you.
Girls Like Boys Who Talk About Their
Feelings
While you can’t come out and do this
right away, because then you violate the rule of first ignoring the girl,
eventually you have to pony up and spill your secrets. Although the key is
being mysterious for period of time during which you’re doing all of the
“reeling in” work. In order to keep that girl you’re going to have to let her
know your big secret, and make her feel like she’s the only one in the world
who knows it. Of course, it helps if the secret is that you’re a hundred years
old and a vampire, but the fact that you used to wet the bed until you were 10
might work as well. The key is to just open up at some point and confide in
her, without seeming like a whiner.
Girls Want Sex Just As Much As Boys
Do
This one shatters an age-old myth
that guys just want to get in girls’ pants. Let me tell you, girls want to get
in your pants just as badly. Bella definitely tries to put the moves on Edward,
and she pursues him a lot harder than he pursues her. There’s no discussion
about waiting for an appropriate time or making sure the moment is extra
special. No, she just wants to get him out of those clothes and get busy. Not
to say that Bella’s a slut, because she’s actually a pretty chaste girl. But
she definitely wouldn’t mind getting Edward in the sack for some
extra-curricular activities.
Girls Like Boys Who Can Resist The
Urge
Whether that urge is to suck your
blood or go all the way in bed, girls love a guy with self-restraint, and it
also goes back to the whole “ignore her and it’ll drive her crazy” tip near the
top of this list. Edward and Bella have one fairly intense make out scene in
this movie. They’re up in Bella’s bed, and she’s in her panties. Things get hot
and heavy and suddenly Edward flies backwards and slams into the wall. He knows
he has to be careful with her or he’ll probably tear her to shreds. Instead of
getting naked and going for it, he just lays next to her and watches her sleep.
Girls Like Boys Who Can Play The
Piano
Although you’d hope that could work
for just about any instrument, I don’t know if you’re going to be able to reel
them in with the French Horn or the Oboe. Was Kenny G. ever a chick magnet?
Stick with the basics, like a guitar or the piano. Edward plays a tune for
Bella, and according to my book-obsessed Twilight friends, he actually writes a
song for her later in the series. Which of course would drive any girl nuts?
Still, the piano makes you look sensitive and it’s less phallic of an
instrument than a guitar. It’ll make you look moody, adds more mystery, and it
is like kryptonite to a girl’s heart.
Girls Like Boys Who Play Sports
Even if you’re an immortal being that
survives on the blood of others, girls will still dig it if you can hit those
balls into deep center field. There’s a fairly ridiculous moment in Twilight
where a huge thunderstorm gives the vampires a chance to play baseball, since
the thunder masks the sound when they pound the ball. They invite Bella to tag
along and you can see how excited she gets when Edward makes a spectacular
catch. It’s not exactly as romantic as sitting in the stands and watches your
man make a free throw or break free for a touchdown, but it’s as close as Bella
can get, and she loves it. So take something up, even if it’s kickball.
Girls Like Bad Boys
For years girls have loved the
archetype of the rebel, the guy who hangs out by himself, sports tattoos, rides
a motorcycle, and gets in trouble every now and then. Well, there’s nothing worst
than a guy who could potentially kill you for lunch, and who has to constantly
put himself through physical pain by resisting the urge to open up your jugular
as your blood sings to him. Outwardly the vampires in Twilight just have pale
skin and sparkle like diamonds when they’re in the full sunlight, but inside
they’re a raging storm of emotions. While you might not be able to become a
vampire, just talk back to a teacher or consider that tattoo you’ve always
wanted. It’ll work roughly the same magic.
